I miss my bestfriend and...love him?

I used to have a friend Jake id hangout with him alot, in school hed always play with my hair and tickle me and tell me how pretty i am hed even tell me he loved me and get mad at me if i didnt say it back...the problem is jake had a girlfriend and i had a boyfriend wed been together a while he cheated on me with jakes girlfriend... pretty much took a knife and drove it in my heart i cried and cried to jake all the time wed be on the phone from when i got home from school till i went to bed crying jake was my shoulder to cry on and when i hung out with him and my world was crumbling apart nothing mattered because being with jake took away the pain he used to cry about his gf he was a very sensitive man but at the same time wanted to beat the **** out of my boyfriend for what he was doing to me..when jake and i hung out at his house hed hit on me tell me how he wanted to kiss me and than attempt to do it butdidnt cause his gf his cousin gave us the nickname goats because wed get so close when we talked up in eachothers face and cuddle we had our own way of sitting laying on the couch in his arms ill never forget ...a couple weeks went by and his gf found out wed been hanging out she seen me sittin on jakes lap in our cl together of course i didnt care because she was ******* my boyfriend she tried to jump me with 7 girls and shes built like a quarter back i wasnt prepared to get my *** kicked so i left jake alone for a week he kept fallowing me and telling me to turn around but i wouldnt so he started crying asking me why i wouldnt talk to him and it hurt me because he showed me soo much compion finally at the end of the week i told jake about his gf threatening me...he broke up with her (went on a break) for me and i went to his house that night he always was so upset over her but not that night...he was all over me he kept getting an and cuddling me and playing with my hair he pushed me on my back and kissed me which was a big change cause he always cried about his gf thats why i went to his house is cause i thought he might need a shoulder i was wrong we ended up having and directly after he started acting really mad at himself hed stare at me and act really awkward about it..and than hed kiss me and say ok one more...and than hed do it again and again and act wicked guilty about it i would be lying on his lap and hed say that it never happened i ended up flipping out on him because he said i pressured him into it bullshit because i said no like 10 times before we ended up doing it...than in school everything was weird our friendship was torn apart i knew it would happen too and he told me not to talk about my bf anymore because our emotions ped through eachother when we were ******* and that it hurt him to hear about it but i saw jake make out with his gf everyday and that hurt wicked bad...anyways eversince i havent been able to make out with anyone or anything because it just disgusts me that was back in december this year we have 2 cles together and he stares at me the entire time he tries to get me to talk to him by yelling things across the room about bands we used to listen to like for example he knows i love guns n roses and hell yell across the room "you know whats a good band guns n roses" to his friends and turn around to make sure i hear it than when he sees me at a table hell get up from sittin with his gf and come sit at my table he comments on everything i say even things that have nothing to do with him and whenever im talking to my friends he comes up to the friend im talking to and starts a conversation with them if im talking about someone i dont like he will say hell beat them up and go on and on about that..he looks me dead in the eye and a week ago he could barely look me in the eye id catch him staring at me and wed both look away really fast but now he holds the stare whenever his gf tries to kiss him in front of me he wont let her i remember one time she started making out with him infront of me and he pushed her off and said "why do you always do that when shes around" his gf is really jealous of me and she doesnt know what happened between jake and i...there was a point where he called me and said he was sorry and didnt blame me if i hated him he said he missed being friends after my friend prank called him and asked him if he cared about anyone other than his gf i was the first person he called directly after which was strange cause he didnt talk for 3 months before that hes been trying to talk to me and he always got mad at himself for kissing me or getting a ***** around me and when my friend and i were talking about it he was staring at me cause we were talkin about how we couldnt be friends cause he had a girlfriend and he looked dead at me...he doesnt even like my friend but talks to her in front of me all the time and i think hes feeling things but im not sure at all and i need to know